“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

So, I could start by catching you up with all that’s been happening in my life since my last post because I guarantee that it has been quite some time since I have written anything on here. However, instead of taking the long time to tell you all of that and dredge through a year’s old news, I will drop you right in the middle of this series and you can just put the story together as you feel best. I will simply give you the big points. 

I am now a practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism and a member of SGI International. I chant twice a day, time allowing, to change my life and find the happiest me and to help others find the happiest them. I was introduced to this buddhism by a man we will from here on out refer to as D. Let’s just start by seeing that things with D are far from complicated as you may soon find out. I am still working the same job as an English teacher in Japan. Although I no longer am living in Funabashi, Chiba. I packed my shit and moved into the city about 8 months ago. Hello Tokyo. 

I will continue my story from tonight. 

I didn’t chant much yesterday because Hiro and I had coffee and spent the day together. Hiro is a guy whom I dated in an attempt to move on from D and prove that I could be just friends with him. What I never expected was that on the way that I would fall somewhat for Hiro. We hadn’t spoken face-to-face for close to a month and it was surprisingly refreshing to see him. We spent the day kissing and watching tv. Hiro had another surprise for me as we prepared to leave and go about our separate plans for the evening. “I don’t think we should see each other for a while.” 

It was a bit of a shock and I was at first angry at having been teased the whole day with cuddling and kissing, I soon realized his feelings towards he and I’s relationship were not far from the feelings I had towards D. So I agreed that whatever he thought best for him, I would cede too. So, we took separate trains to nearly the same destination last night. He cried, I felt like I had just stabbed a kitten for sport. 

My night soon found me in Shinjuku meeting my buddha girls M and K. We shuffled slowly through our sunday drudge to a small downstairs cafe I sometimes frequent to enjoy some gothic classical and wiener coffee (whipped cream on top). Per usual, recent stories of success and struggle were shared, inspiration dealt to those in need, and we returned home. 

Work was nothing special, sushi with Kiko after. My conversations of D have gotten fewer these days. I continue to chant for clarity, wisdom, and courage in my dealings with him. I struggle sometimes still. But I know if I keep trying I will overcome this. 

Following sushi I headed to the young men’s meeting of the Japanese SGI. Here was D lurking in the corner of my eye as I chanted my heart out to not be jealous or give my power to him as I always did so easily before. 

He walked me home. Surprising my by rolling his bike behind me and talking about his week. I can’t lie…it was good to hear his voice. That low hum that somehow knew exactly how to relax me yet at the same time send me in such a tailspin out of the high clouds I was flying in for the past few weeks. He asked me what I had been doing these days. I guess I should mention that I had stopped all contact with D in an attempt to end the mess. He was suffering from a cold and I couldn’t help but offer him medicine. His poor cough was so hard to listen to. 

There is still such a large part of me that wants to be with him, but another part of me yearning to just believe what he says and let it go; we won’t be together. But instead of sulking over thoughts that only seem to circle, I chant. I chant for courage to not contact him. Courage to be alone and just chew my way through the loneliness and skittles. 

It’s not easy, but I slowly notice changes. I’ve stopped waiting for him to call or email. I don’t think its coming. 

“I can’t steal his heart but I can steal back mine.” by Emily Wood. I will steal back my heart and I will keep it strong and continue to make it stronger and more courageous. I will overcome anything that confronts me and challenges me.